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How to do the internets
Jan. 2nd, 2010 07:49 pmIt's the joyous season, the time when all those people who got a computer for Christmas have finally managed to get their internet connection working and have begun surfing the web, resulting in infuriating service lags and even breakdowns for the rest of us. However, in the spirit of good fellowship I'd like to offer a quick and dirty guide to the internet.
Internet speak: Learn it. Embrace it. Face the fact that by this time next year you'll probably be saying "LOL" out loud to family members who will think you've lost your mind. This is the first lesson: You are a "n00b." A newbie. A new user. There are a lot of folks out there looking for an opportunity to laugh at you or shout at you or both. No matter what you do some of them will manage to find a way to make you feel like shit, so learn to live with it. Those of you who are familiar with texting will probably pick up the nuances faster. OTOH (On the other hand) you will probably annoy the rest of us by trying to prove that UR c00l. Don't bother. You're not. On the internet, everyone is an idiot sooner or later.
Google: Google is your friend. Use it. It's so ubiquitous that "to google" is rapidly becoming a verb, as in "I didn't know what the hell the dude meant by "Godwin's Law" so I googled it." Even George Bush knows about it, though he calls it "The Google" thereby labeling himself a n00b in perpetuity.
CAPS LOCK: You may be tempted to hit your caps lock key and type in all uppercase letters, especially if you're a lazy jerk. Trust me when I tell you that you'll not only hear about it but you will discover that there are people who can incinerate your brain cells just by telling you to cut it out. It's considered rude because it seems like you're shouting. I'd take it a step further and say that it makes you look like you're hanging out of the back window of the short bus, screaming gibberish and eating your own boogers. It's one step up from monkeys who throw shit at everyone.
Trolls: And while we're on the subject of feces, let me mention trolls -- people who start fights just for the fun of it. They're several steps down from shit-flinging monkeys. Try not to engage them because you'll always end up covered in crap.
(Don't) Forward this to 1,000 of your closest friends: Trust me when I tell you that there is no such thing as email tracking, no one will pay you for forwarding email, no dying billionaire in East Gondawanaland has pulled your email address out of his butt for the purpose of leaving you his fortune, and most of the stuff that gets forwarded in email is junk that sucks up bandwidth. The point of 90 percent of those forwarded emails is to get you to do something stupid. Do your friends and family a favor and limit forwarded messages to something that'll make them say "Awww, that's so cute!" Put the rest in the trash. If you don't believe me, check snopes.com.
Safe computing: Viruses, spyware and the like are all real and sometimes dangerous. Get a good program to protect your computer and keep it up to date. OTOH, never let random websites scan your computer no matter how shiny their flashing banners are. When in doubt about the legitimacy of a site, ask a computer-savvy friend.
Porn: Yes, there's porn out there. No, I will not tell you how to find it. Just let me remind you, though, that the hot blonde chick you've been chatting with in the private chat room is probably a guy. Srsly.
Cats and dogs rule the internets. Don't ask why and don't think you can avoid them. They are everywhere.
If you read an article anywhere, even on the most innocuous site, NEVER read the comments unless you want to lie awake at night wondering if the human race really is devolving at a terrifying rate, and if you should just slit your own wrists and be done with it. Trust me, it's always ugly. Even videos of toddlers doing cute things can start flame wars that will burn your eyebrows off.
Finally, this has been around the internet forever. It's hilarious and it's true, which makes it all the funnier.
"There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.
No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.
NO OFFRAMPS. None.
Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system."
Author: Russell Nelson
Internet speak: Learn it. Embrace it. Face the fact that by this time next year you'll probably be saying "LOL" out loud to family members who will think you've lost your mind. This is the first lesson: You are a "n00b." A newbie. A new user. There are a lot of folks out there looking for an opportunity to laugh at you or shout at you or both. No matter what you do some of them will manage to find a way to make you feel like shit, so learn to live with it. Those of you who are familiar with texting will probably pick up the nuances faster. OTOH (On the other hand) you will probably annoy the rest of us by trying to prove that UR c00l. Don't bother. You're not. On the internet, everyone is an idiot sooner or later.
Google: Google is your friend. Use it. It's so ubiquitous that "to google" is rapidly becoming a verb, as in "I didn't know what the hell the dude meant by "Godwin's Law" so I googled it." Even George Bush knows about it, though he calls it "The Google" thereby labeling himself a n00b in perpetuity.
CAPS LOCK: You may be tempted to hit your caps lock key and type in all uppercase letters, especially if you're a lazy jerk. Trust me when I tell you that you'll not only hear about it but you will discover that there are people who can incinerate your brain cells just by telling you to cut it out. It's considered rude because it seems like you're shouting. I'd take it a step further and say that it makes you look like you're hanging out of the back window of the short bus, screaming gibberish and eating your own boogers. It's one step up from monkeys who throw shit at everyone.
Trolls: And while we're on the subject of feces, let me mention trolls -- people who start fights just for the fun of it. They're several steps down from shit-flinging monkeys. Try not to engage them because you'll always end up covered in crap.
(Don't) Forward this to 1,000 of your closest friends: Trust me when I tell you that there is no such thing as email tracking, no one will pay you for forwarding email, no dying billionaire in East Gondawanaland has pulled your email address out of his butt for the purpose of leaving you his fortune, and most of the stuff that gets forwarded in email is junk that sucks up bandwidth. The point of 90 percent of those forwarded emails is to get you to do something stupid. Do your friends and family a favor and limit forwarded messages to something that'll make them say "Awww, that's so cute!" Put the rest in the trash. If you don't believe me, check snopes.com.
Safe computing: Viruses, spyware and the like are all real and sometimes dangerous. Get a good program to protect your computer and keep it up to date. OTOH, never let random websites scan your computer no matter how shiny their flashing banners are. When in doubt about the legitimacy of a site, ask a computer-savvy friend.
Porn: Yes, there's porn out there. No, I will not tell you how to find it. Just let me remind you, though, that the hot blonde chick you've been chatting with in the private chat room is probably a guy. Srsly.
Cats and dogs rule the internets. Don't ask why and don't think you can avoid them. They are everywhere.
If you read an article anywhere, even on the most innocuous site, NEVER read the comments unless you want to lie awake at night wondering if the human race really is devolving at a terrifying rate, and if you should just slit your own wrists and be done with it. Trust me, it's always ugly. Even videos of toddlers doing cute things can start flame wars that will burn your eyebrows off.
Finally, this has been around the internet forever. It's hilarious and it's true, which makes it all the funnier.
"There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.
No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.
NO OFFRAMPS. None.
Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system."
Author: Russell Nelson
